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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dance Like Nobody is Watching, Sing Like Nobody Can Hear

You know one of the times I am happiest? When I am in my own home, surrounded my things, in my nest - completely, 100% alone. Am I the only one?

In a couple of weeks, Squish, her boyfriend, her sister and myself with be off to Melbourne for a few days for Soundwave (Slash is playing!). I know Courts is going to miss me, and I will miss him immensely, especially when I have to sleep by myself. But I'm also really looking forward to it. My own space, no one to run decisions by, just me and my mates. It will most likely give me a chance to really properly miss Courts as well, because we work, ride, sleep and play together, so its not often we're apart long enough to truly miss each other.

Courts' Dad and brother have also jetsetted off to work in Noumea for a couple of months this weekend just gone, leaving their partners at home. While two months is a far greater deal than three days, I honestly still think I would enjoy the first few weeks, after which time both partners are planning on visiting the boys. I know Courts wouldn't feel the same way, as the girls probably don't, and as you probably wouldn't. I think the reason I could enjoy that time is because I would be secure in knowing there was nothing wrong between us and he would be back. It would be a different story had he left for any other reason - I'm not made of stone! I just think, that with the knowledge he was coming home to me, I could miss him while enjoying my space. 'Fiercely independent' is probably an understatement.

Courts and I flat with his sister and another guy. Even when they're out, Courts is usually home, so I am rarely home alone. The funny thing is, it's not that I do anything particularly odd or out of character when I'm alone. You know what I love most? One of my ultimate moments of bliss... all I want right now is to turn the stereo up top volume - it will either be 80's glam metal or by contrast, bubblegum pop. The former projecting screaming guitar licks through my veins, the latter making me want to sing and jump around. And then I would clean my house, singing at the top of my voice. Pottering around in my own space, tidying up my things, and missing whatever notes I cared to try for, without worrying about another soul judging them. Dancing in whatever fashion I felt like, without a care in the world. All the while in my safe-place, my nest, doing what I love most - singing, dancing, and pottering.

I bet I'm not the only one.

I know my independent streak can be an extreme sometimes. It could be misconstrued as uncaring or cold by anyone who didn't know me well. I adore Courts - if I didn't I couldn't spend near-24/7 with him and still want to plan 4 months in Europe with him! Anyone who ever cares to question my dedication to him (not that I know of anyone who has) is blind to my reality. Soul Buddy and her husband are away from each other for weeks at a time due to his job, and they have both said that distance has made them stronger.

On Saturday night, Courts was out without me. I missed him, our bed felt empty without him (Toby the dog relished having 'his' side of the bed back) but realising he would be home in the morning and we would still be 'us' was refreshing. Remembering that I don't actually need him to survive, that I choose him and he chooses me. That we are together because we don't want to be apart, but that when we are we are still whole people. That was important for me. It's been awhile since I had that time to myself and I think it renewed a certain strength in me.

On this particular occasion, Courts sister was home with me and we stayed up till the wee hours watching TV shows Courts doesn't like and chatting about things Courts doesn't like to hear about. I didn't get my 'me' time, although I had a good night all the same. Singing, dancing and cleaning will wait for another day. For now, I feel like I've got my groove back, when I didn't know it was missing in the first place.

What weird things make you feel happiest? Do you dance while you clean as well? I bet at least some of you have!

2 comments:

Chunky Knubby Navel said...

"Me" time is some of the best times. I think it's really needed. I know I get really grumpy if I don't get a little alone time every day =)

Whitney

Penny said...

Glad it's not just me Whitney! :)

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