Thursday, March 17, 2011

Getting in Trouble
One of the worst feelings I can encounter is that of being 'in trouble'. At 25 years old, this is probably not something I should admit, but I'm wondering how many of you out there feel the same.

The fact that this has followed me into adulthood is probably a damn good sign why I was such a goody two shoes as a child. I was extremely careful and any rule-breaking I did was rare and always well thought out - well, almost always. So well thought out, that no one would have known if I wasn't a goody two shoes - including the other kids at school.

There's an exception to this dislike for trouble. If I was blatantly doing something I knew I shouldn't, in front of the person that would take exception to my behaviour, I didn't care in the slightest if I got in trouble. This only ever amounted to talking too much with Soul Buddy in the back of Economics or talking back to my Mum though.
And so it follows me to this day. Now days, being 'in trouble' usually means having upset someone by saying or doing the wrong thing. Never intentionally, and always without thinking. Using my mouth before my brain! It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I'm filled with a feeling I don't get at any other time. Its closest to dread I think, just knowing I let someone down, didn't meet their expectations or hurt their feelings. I can't let it go easily and I get genuinely upset by the very idea of it. I feel like I've failed.

I remember feeling the exact same way when I was 7 and got caught using plastic play money in the Coke machine, which I honestly didn't realise was a bad thing because I knew someone else had done it first. I know grief and happiness and anger all follow you throughout your life but it just seems so odd to me that this feeling does too. Do you know what feeling I'm talking about? What other little hang ups do you carry around from your childhood?