Fake it Till You Make it

I wasn't going to publish this post, because it feels a bit like preaching something I don't fully understand myself. But it was requested by someone who felt like they needed it, and if it helps only them, then I consider it worth it. Just remember it's only my ideas and experiences - maybe some of you can comment and help out too? 

With that out of the way, this post is dedicated to a genuinely beautiful person, who doesn't realise just how confident she seems, or how many traits she has that are admired by everyone she meets...

Generally speaking, I know who I am as a person, and I am confident in portraying myself as I am, nothing hidden. I am flawed though, and sometimes I get caught up in what certain people or groups might think of me. It's natural, I think, but it's not something I let slide. That is to say, that when I catch myself caring too much, I try to reason and change my way of thinking.

It's not easy though is it? To be honest I think the only reason I am good at not caring what other people think, is sheer laziness. It takes energy to worry, and I can't be bothered. It's not a very inspiring or deeply thought out process, but it sure works.

Generally speaking, I only care what people think of me if it affects someone I care about. For example, I was slightly nervous meeting Courtney's extended group of friends, because if they didn't like me, it would affect the way he interacted with them, even if no one intended it to. Thankfully, one by one, they opened up to me, and those that I have gotten to know are really lovely, genuine people. I think any worry I had, revolved around the fact that they are all friends with each other because they share a dedication to metal music and the scene that surrounds it. While I do like metal, its not to the same extent, and I was aware that we may have little common ground. At the end of the day, it all worked out though, and that's what I try and take with me to every new experience. The last one worked out, so what's the point in worrying?

Even in situations where people haven't all gelled quickly, I think back to an idea that was put to me in high school - Will it matter in one week, one month, or one year? Such a simple idea but one that really changed the way I thought about things that worried me. It has followed me through the 10 years that have followed so far.

I'm by no means so carefree that I don't have a worry at all, but when I get caught up in an idea I stop myself and evaluate it - will the fact i left my mobile at home today matter next week? Nope, not a bit. Will the fact I burnt dinner matter next month? Not a chance. And if this person, be it someone walking past me on the street or someone I'm going to see again and again, doesn't like my outfit, or my favourite band, or the way I dance, will it matter in a year? I highly doubt it. My Running Man might give them fuel for a laugh with their own friends as they watch, but I doubt they'll care enough to tell anyone about it after that.

I take it all as a learning curve. I've flatted with many people over the last five years and a fair few have not thought everything I said and did was the epitome of cool! But time goes on, and now I'm sitting on my bed, in my warm home, with my sister-in-law baking muffins, my dog checking in to make sure nothings changed, my amazing boyfriend on his way home and the best friends I could ask for, dotted around Auckland, living their own lives but there when I need them, mutual trust and love built and earnt over the years.

Butting Heads!

Those flatting experiences were and still are, invaluable in teaching me how different people live, work and play, and how my own personality gels with others, or doesn't, as the case may be. They teach me tolerance, patience, and understanding, and I continue to learn these things as I grow with Courtney. The same experiences also teach me that if something doesn't work, life goes on, flatmates change, and everyone is always ok in the end.

I know I'm not perfect. I try to be aware of my flaws and conscious of any new ones. You can't expect to be perfect or to change your personality, but if you're self-aware, acknowledge both your good and bad points, observe and take in everything around you, then any experience can only help you grow and learn. As someone who writes a lot, I frequently write down any problems I've had, anything negative, and a way to fix it for next time. It's not everyones cup of tea, but personally it helps me to get my thoughts in order and better understand myself and the reactions to my actions.

Confidence is not arrogance, its not wrong, and it's not difficult. Fake it till you make it baby. I'm far too stubborn to give anyone the privilege of telling me who to be or how to act.

Its a work in progress, but isn't everything?

What makes you who you are? What do you want people to remember about you? And how do you deal with judgement and opinion?