Monday, March 21, 2011

Head Over Heels, Again and Again

Are you of the school of thought that the dreams you have at night, mean something more? As a kid I had hideous nightmares every single night. Horribly realistic nightmares with content that should not have been anywhere near the subconscious of a child. Most I forgot straight away but many that I do remember, involved men chasing me. They were murderers, all of them, although I don't know how I knew that, since they never caught me. Always men and always chasing. Sometimes they would be recurring. Not duplicates but more so chapters of the same story. A conscious thought wanting them to stop would put an end to recurrences.

I still do get nightmares occasionally, not often, and I'm so thankful to have a warm blooded adult in bed next to me rather than the teddy bear I would wake up next to when I was younger! More often than not I'd end up going to my Mum. I don't think I ever admitted it but if I didn't, I'd be so wracked with fear I'd feel physically sick and occasionally end up in tears.

Lately, the bad dreams have been of a different kind - I've had 4 dreams in the last 4 weeks or so that related to the demise of Courtney and my relationship. Two of them were over the course of one night in Melbourne. The first, a case of him cheating on me. The second, him leaving me because I wouldn't let him play Call of Duty!

They sound silly now, but in each of the dreams I've been absolutely gutted, heartbroken. They seem so realistic at the time - after the first I was actually (very happily) shocked to realise he was next to me in bed. I've never dreamt about a boy leaving me before, that I can remember, and I certainly haven't been affected by the dream if I have. So I started to ponder the meaning of the dreams.

The only thing I can come up with is this. Feeling that gut wrenching pain and wanting, and then realising I still have him, has made me think about how much he means to me. In the depths of night, still wrapped in the subsiding pain of those dreams, I think of ways to make him love me more, ways to keep him happy.

The thing is, I don't think I've ever actually cared enough about a boy before to let thoughts of this nature worry me. Previously I felt like if they cheated on me or left me, it wasn't meant to be and I'd move on. I'm an impatient person and that impatience means I get over failed flings very quickly, knowing they're not worth the time and effort of being upset. I'm sure that, god forbid, if Courtney and I were to part ways, that impatience would see me through. For the first time however, I don't want it to. I want to work through any issues that arise, learn from him and grow with him. It's less about me and more about us. We're a team and as independent as I am, I want it to stay that way.

As two strong personalities, we argue fairly often. Sometimes about trivial things, often about important things. I've argued with boys before, of course I have, but never in the same way. These arguments upset me more, because he means more. They also mean more in themselves, because through them we grow and learn and become more solid as a couple. Slowly but surely, the arguments grow less and the understanding grows more. Instead of getting annoyed and giving up on each other because of the arguing, we soldier on, hand in hand.

I'd be lying however, if I said we haven't at some point or another, questioned whether it was all worth it. Usually at the height of a bad week or a few days of unsettled sleep or long hours. So, are these dreams supposed to make me realise that no matter how I feel in the heat of an argument, it's not as bad as I would feel without him? I feel myself falling for him more in the aftermath of these twilight experiences, appreciating him more, smiling when I think of him more. Refocusing, re-loving.

Do you know of a different meaning for dreams of this nature? Whether they have a meaning or not, I'm thankful for them. They can go away now.